But I love him...

Hindsight is 20/20.

I nearly lost myself in a man... well, a few. But almost doesn't count. So, let's focus on that time I succumbed to the silent killer that is emotional abuse.

He was very charming. Handsome. Very sweet. He made me feel cared for, loved, and appreciated. I was head over heels and loving every minute. And then... I died. I let down my guards and removed any doubts. That's when he arrived... the man behind the mask. We'd be having a normal conversation. I'd mention how I disagreed or felt differently and within seconds, he'd take that opportunity to belittle me. Speak down to me. Attempt to make me feel like nothing or maybe even less. Whenever I'd do the slightest thing that made him upset, he'd snatch away that happiness, that appreciation, that love. He'd tell me all the negative things he could think of... all the while I'm confused and missing that good feeling.

He was a classic narcissist. His attention, time, affection, appreciation was like a drug. I had grown to need it and he knew that. I'd crave it and he would use that to his advantage. A narcissist is someone who is vain and selfish. Often to a point of disgust. (My opinion.)

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of "ultraconfidence" lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

In this relationship, I was treated the worst I've ever been treated by any human being. I had no idea why I was accepting it and no idea how to leave it. I was trapped. Waking up each day praying that I'd get that "good feeling" back. That he would allow me to have it.

So many questions about whether I or he were the problem in that relationship. Was I right or wrong to leave? Should I have stayed to stand by him? Could I have made a better decision?

What makes a woman stay with a man who harms her? Why do we stick it out?

I left him. I got far away emotionally before I began to move physically. I had to stop caring about how it would effect him. It was killing me. I didn't know how I was going to cut the emotional ties, but I knew I was losing myself. I had began to be angry, just like him. Scream, yell, and fuss, just like him. Who have I become? I wondered.

He attacked me on every level. As a wife, as a mother, as a woman, as a daughter, as a sister, and as a friend. Nothing I did would go without "constructive criticism" and correction.

That relationship taught me that no man is worth my being. If I cannot be me and survive, I must leave. It also taught me that I'm worth everything and deserve to have someone who sees that and is not intimidated by it.

I am a strong, black woman. <---This is not a cry for all the independent women! LOL I want a man. One who is secure, affectionate, innovative, accomplished and compassionate. One who understands that I am gentle and handles me with care. One who understands that the lioness in me will fight with him and for him, but not against him. One who won't take advantage of the power that a woman in love will give him.

I was with a man who didn't know the King inside of him. No matter how often I catered to that King, he couldn't see him. He didn't believe in him like I did. I fell in love with potential and what I wanted him to be instead of accepting who he constantly showed me he was whether intentional or not.

I remember four words that constantly kept me in that state of being mistreated, confused, misunderstood, and alone... "But, I love him." He's mean to me, but I love him. He doesn't make me feel loved, but I love him. I am stressed and unhappy, but I love him. Those 4 words constantly stayed in the front of my min

I finally decided I'd had enough. I had to change those words. I love him, but I love me more. That's how I did it. I loved me first and knew that we couldn't coexist and one of us had to go. I wasn't going to stay to give him someone to abuse which seemed to stabilize him. I couldn't be his target of affliction and oppression and survive. I love me more.

I encourage any woman in any abusive relationship to love yourself more. And understand that he doesn't have to hit you to hurt you. If it hurts, it's not love.